COUSIN's Corner

Page "Feature" (rev: 10/14/2005)

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Arlene Porcelli	Obituary

We are here today to celebrate the life of Arlene Mary Porcelli, mother to Adrian, Steve, Michelle, David and Patty, grandmother to Angela, Jennifer, Anthony, Dimitri, little Nicholas and Heather. She was mother-in-law to Carmen and Ann, wife to Adrian, Sr., and dear friend to Mary Kay and all those present today as well as others.

I first met Arlene some thirty years ago, I was working nights in a hospital in St. Louis. It was hard to stay awake, so I would walk the halls and look forward to the first light of day. One morning walking the halls, I was alerted to two adorable young, black-haired girls with newspapers under their arms, going from room to room yelling "Paper?" Following the girls came a nun tearing through the corridors ringing a bell and the hospital chaplain proceeding to give communion to Catholic patients. When the priest finished his communion rounds, he stopped to say, "Hi." Since we were old friends, I asked him who the girls were and he replied, "They're the Porcelli kids. Come on over to my office when your shift is finished and meet their mother. She's a great lady."

I gave my report and flew down the stairs. Father always had goodies in the morning since the nuns spoiled him unmercifully. It was then that I met Arlene Porcelli. I will never forget that day, when she stood up, looked straight at me with the clearest blue eyes I had ever seen and said, "Hi, I'm Arlene." I learned an amazing thing that morning - that the Porcelli kids - all of them, had a monopoly on the newspaper business in one of the finest, largest hospitals in St. Louis. How she managed to accomplish that feat was only one amazing thing I was to find out about her in the ensuing years to come. We became friends and over the years I discovered many more intimate and amazing details of Arlene's life.

She was widowed during the early years of her marriage to Adrian, Sr. She was left with five small children to raise on her own. Over the years that we were friends, there were two words she never knew, used, or thought about. One was "can't" and the other was "pity." Arlene never felt life had dealt her a blow. She never felt sorry for herself, and in all the years I knew her I never saw tears, even toward the end of her life. Maybe here children say her cry but I never did. There was no mountain she wouldn't climb. She managed a full time job, studied for her bachelors' degree and graduated from St. Louis University, no small accomplishment, and took wonderful care of her five children. She was fiercely protective of her children and devoted all she had to their care and upbringing, even though at times they were, shall we say, less than perfect! Did she worry about them? Yes, like all mothers. She worried about Adrian and how he handled money - he does! She worried that Steve's back would eventually incapacitate him - it hasn't! She worried about whether David would ever get married - he did! She worried that Michelle might be too fragile - she is not at all! She worried that Patty would not find a good job and new friends - she has and did! When her grandchildren came along she worried about their safety, health and whether they would do well in school - they are healthy and she told me in the last few years, "They are really smart!"

We went our separate ways for awhile. Arlene moved to Florida - she wanted adventure and another mountain to climb. I didn't see her for a couple of years and then we also moved to Florida. One day I went to the post office and ran smack dab into her. It was a delightful reunion. We talked a lot and resumed our old friendship. We had wonderful lunches together, reminisced and gossiped about old friends and acquaintances. I was reoriented to the lives of her children and grandchildren. She was so proud of her children. They were no longer kids but real grown up adults. She told me many times during these past years just how special each one of them was to her - their struggles, their accomplishments. She was gloriously happy about the fact that they were strong and extremely independent. She said over and over that independence was the most important virtue a person could have and that her kids had mastered the virtue. "You should see my kids," was a statement she frequently made.

We had fun during those years. She was about to retire and look for a new mountain to climb. She often went to Orlando and stayed to help Michelle with Anthony, Angela and Jennifer. She went to St. Louis to visit David and Adrian. She went to Seattle to visit Steve and Dimitri. Patty, her baby, lived in Florida near her mother, so travel was not necessary. Life was good for Arlene. She loved and indulged in the love from her family.

When we are born we have as assigned task. No one likes the task and so people don't talk about it. But it is a fact of life that we are born to die. In March 1998, Arlene encountered the tallest mountain to climb in her life. She was diagnosed with the most vicious and aggressive brain tumor known. Her family was devastated. The rock they had known was about to be loosed from the mountain creating an avalanche for this family. Arlene was not about to let that happen. While this is a sad and different part of her story to tell, it is the most important. Arlene was a role model for dying. She didn't just die, she died well! She became a channel and a source of greater inner strength. She gave up looking for approval and looked to herself for evaluation of success and failure in terms of her own level of aspiration. Her children and grandchildren are role models for caring and nurturing their mother, and one another. They are also heroes and heroines.

Arlene came home four days after her first surgery. She was given three months to live. She plopped a hat on her head, got hold of her walker and took off. She had many setbacks during this time but I never heard her complain. She continued to live enthusiastically even in the flickering light of death while her children continued to see death through the eyes of their mother. There were happy times for Arlene and bittersweet times for her children, shopping for plum wine, lunches, 4th of July celebrations, and a new house. I couldn't believe it when she told me she had decided to move. Most people would have closed in and isolated themselves from the world, but not Arlene. She delightfully decorated her new home, she joined a support group and gave support. She arranged her belongings, giving away precious mementoes. In order to make this process less than solemn and sad, her unshakable sense of humor prevailed. She had undertaken some awful and boring knitting project which she did not have the patience to finish. It was a mess. She gave Michelle one of her precious mementoes for a birthday, and when a teary-eyed Michelle opened the next present thinking more of the same, it was the unfinished knitting. No one could shed a tear after that type of gift. Arlene accepted precious mementoes, too. The collage Patty had made of their years together and presented to Arlene on Mother's Day brought tears to the one who prepared it and gratitude from the one who received it. During this time, Arlene made her peace, financial and funeral arrangements, set her living will, power of attorney, and went about living. It was like, Bill Moyers said in a recent television documentary, "She was wearing her seat belt for dying." The last few months of her life, she spent moving as fast as her illness allowed. She bought a new refrigerator, range, dishwasher and took a trip to St. Louis to visit her new grandson, Nicholas and to say hello to son, David, Ann and Heather. She spoke fondly of this family and told me how happy she was that Ann had given her a special place during their wedding at the Don Cesar the previous year.

Arlene turned "three months to live" into eighteen months. The last few weeks were difficult for Arlene and her family. They were there for her one hundred percent. I called frequently: "Adrian?" "No this is Steve." "Steve?" "No this is Dave." "Michelle?" "No this is Angela." It was like Grand Central Station at the Porcelli home. Life went on, mattresses were rolled out, Michelle becoming the nurse, Patty the cleaner, Adrian, Steve and Dave lifting and holding her hand, Jennifer and Angela reading books and watching television with their "Nana." The house was full of love!

Arlene went out of the world the same way she lived in it - gutsy! Her last minutes were spent in the privacy of her room, with the aroma of fresh-brewed coffee and hearing the laughter of her family who were telling hilarious stories of times gone by to keep their spirits up. Goodbye!

Arlene's spirit is here with us today and will be for however long you want it to be. When Adrian told me that his mother had died and they still wanted me to do the eulogy, I thought it would be a difficult task. However, it was not. It was as if Arlene's spirit guided the pen. In fact, I said to myself one day as I was writing and writing, "Come on Arlene, it's enough already!" That the spirit of a person lives on is not a Catholic, Jewish or Protestant belief. It does not offend agnostics, atheists or scientists who believe only in the rational. The spirit of a human being lives on on each of us for as long as we remember them.

When we honor the ashes today

The tangible remains of Arlene Mary Porcelli

We give thanks for the intangibles

The impact of her life on ours.

We remember:

the smile

the frown

the quizzical look

the love

the courage

the hurt

the sorrow

the significant moments

the fun times

the searching times

the moments of risk

the great time of affirmation

As long as we live

We will bear the imprint

Of that influence.

She opened many doors for everyone here.

Doors of whole new sets of meanings.

We will forever be sensitized

To the importance of life.

Because of Arlene, we will live differently and better!

By Marlene

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